(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(PHONE VIBRATING)
(PHONE CHIMING)
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
(SCOFFS)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Excuse me?
Sir?
-(MAN GRUNTS) -Sir? (CHUCKLES)
Can I get you a snack?
Huh? Uh, what?
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't mean to interrupt.
-I just wanted to see... -Ah.
...if you'd like a snack.
I'm just kidding. (LAUGHS)
-Oh. Okay. -Yeah. What's up?
We have some fantastic caviar. It's osetra, fresh from...
You ever had caviar?
-No, sir. -It's delicious. It is, yeah.
-But I had some last night. -Mmm.
You know what? I'm actually in the mood for something a little more Mediterranean.
Do you have, like, a grilled vegetable thing
with some figs or even, like, um,
uh, any kind of small fish?
I'm sorry, sir. We don't... We don't have a kitchen,
full kitchen here.
Well, fuck. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS) How about a glass of champagne?
-Boom. -Great.
Perfect.
-Hey, is that the Heidsieck? -I'm sorry?
A German sub sank a ship on the way to Tsar Nicholas II.
Couple years back, they found the wreck and a case of the 1907 Heidsieck.
They sent a little robot down there to bring it back up.
Athena bought three bottles at 250K per.
And no one even knows what the stuff tastes like.
It's just plain old champagne.
-(BOTTLE UNCORKS) -Hmm.
You like working for Athena?
Yes, she's sweet.
She's sweet? Don't let her hear you say that.
(MAN SHOUTING)
-Whoa, hey! Jesus! What are you doing? -(GASPS)
MAN: What is happening here?
-What is happening? -Oh!
-(GRUNTING) -MAN: What the...
Oh! Fuck! Sh... Ah, shit!
-MAN: What's going on? -(SLURRING) What is happening?
One of them's fucking awake, man.
-Oh. Okay. -WOMAN: Gross.
Ted.
MAN: Okay, calm down. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Everything's okay. Everything's fine.
-(MAN GRUNTS) -Hey, it's all right.
-Get... Get some towels? -MAN: Yeah, get towels.
-Okay. No, it's okay. -(CHATTERING)
Shh. It's all right. No, no, no. It's all right. It's okay.
-Okay. -I'm a doctor.
MAN: Ted, Ted.
Oh, great. Fantastic.
If you could just lay those towels
-on the floor right there. -Fuck.
Now, what's... What's his... What's his name?
His... Uh, Squealer, I think? I...
(SLURRING) Rannnndeeee!
-Rannnndeeee? Oh, that's great. -Yeah.
Now, I just need you... We're just gonna...
We're just gonna go down to the floor.
Just kneel down. There you go. There, good, good.
Now, I need you to lie back down on those towels.
There you go. There you go.
Uh. Oh. Um, may I use your pen?
-Pen. Yes. -Thanks.
Okay, Rannnndeeee. I'm gonna put you back to sleep now.
What?
Because you woke up before you were supposed to.
(SCREAMING)
-Whoa! -Fuck!
(CLAMORING IN THE DISTANCE)
Ted, what the fuck, man?
He woke up.
And we can't have you talking about this now, can we, Rannnndeeee?
It hasn't even started yet, man.
-TED: Oh, jeez. -What the fuck?
You guys just gonna stand there?
-Oh! -Oh!
-(GRUNTING) -(CLAMORING)
Yo, hey! Hey! Hey! You need to just take it easy.
All right, all right.
(SCREAMING)
-Shit! -Oh, my God!
WOMAN: That's gross.
Grab him!
MAN 1: All right, all right, all right. MAN 2: Hold on, hold on.
Okay, now. All right, all right.
WOMAN: Hey.
(GASPING)
WOMAN: Put him in the back with the rest.
This isn't right. I mean, he doesn't even know.
I mean, it hasn't even started yet.
-(RANNNNDEEEE SHOUTING) -God.
WOMAN: No sentimentality, comrade.
War is war.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh. Uh... Thanks.
(GRUNTS)
Would you... Would you grab me a little seltzer water or something?
(TED GRUNTING, PANTING)
Fucking redneck.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Help.
(EXHALES)
(WIND WHISTLING)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(COUGHING, CHOKING)
(PANTING)
(GASPS)
(COUGHS)
(CLICKS)
WOMAN: Hey.
Hey.
Hello!
(SNIFFLES, COUGHS)
Hey!
(LEAVES RUSTLING, FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
What the hell is this?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(PANTING)
What?
(MUFFLED) No! No, no, no. Trap.
-Huh? -(MUFFLED) Trap. Trap.
(MUTTERS)
Oh! (WHIMPERING)
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
-(CREAKING) -(GRUNTS)
(MAN CONTINUES GRUNTING)
(PIG SQUEALING)
Hmm.
What the fuck?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTS)
(MUTTERING)
(KEYS JINGLING)
Hey!
Thank you.
(WOMAN MUTTERING)
Oh!
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, sorry.
All right.
-This ought to help, huh? -Yeah.
All right. There you go. Hey, guys, I got keys.
I got keys. Here, here, here.
Here. Turn around.
(CHATTERING)
What is happening? (STUTTERING) What is all of this?
Yeah, fuck if I know. Here.
Oh, I can't use that.
Can you do this?
-Yeah. -You can squeeze a trigger, then.
Take it.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
WOMAN: What do we need guns for? MAN: We'll get out of here.
TEC-9, Lou.
(SIGHS)
Hey.
(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Hey. Let me show you.
Safety.
Give it a flick, you're ready to party. Okay?
Thanks.
You're welcome.
(GUNSHOT)
-What was that? -I think that was a rifle.
(GUNSHOT, BULLET RICOCHETING)
-Oh, shit. Come on. -Everybody get the fuck down!
-Move! -Go. Go!
-(GUNSHOT) -That almost hit me.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, f...
Jesus Christ.
-(GUNSHOT) -(WOMAN WHIMPERING)
-Over there. -(GUNSHOTS)
(SHOUTING)
What the fuck?
-(GUNSHOTS) -Oh!
Come on. Let's go! Move!
-(GUNSHOTS) -(WOMAN SCREAMS)
(SIGHS)
WOMAN: Help!
(GUNSHOTS)
WOMAN: Help!
Help!
(GRUNTING)
(WOMAN GROANING)
I fell.
It's okay. It's okay.
I fell.
It's my birthday tomorrow.
-What? -I'm gonna eat a whole pie.
Oh, God. Come on. Reach for me.
Come on! "Happy birthday" on three, okay?
-One, two, happy birthday! -(GROANING)
(WOMAN CRYING)
-Here we go. Good job. Good job. Ready? -Yeah.
MAN: All right. Let's get the fuck out of here. Come on.
(GRUNTING, PANTING)
(CLICKS)
Holy fuck!
(GUNSHOT)
Fucking Jesus Christ. Hey.
Shoot me.
No, no, no, I'm not gonna shoot you.
No, no, wait! No, no, no!
Let go, you fucking snowflake!
-Don't do it! -(GUNSHOT)
-(GUNSHOTS) -Jesus fucking Christ.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(PANTING) Okay.
Fuck.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(GUN COCKS)
Whoa, don't shoot, asshole. I'm on your side.
They with us too?
Yeah.
Road means civilization.
-What? -Civilization's our fucking friend.
Hey, folks. What's the plan, khaki man?
Trying to figure it out.
Sorry.
Looks like we're gonna have to climb this bitch.
You know what this is, right?
Goddamn Manorgate.
-That shit's real? -Seems pretty fucking real to me.
All right. Come on. Up, up, up.
(ALL GRUNTING)
-(SWOOSHING) -What?
-What the fuck was that? -Hurry.
Oh, shit, that's fucking arrows, dude.
Hurry up. I got you. I got you.
Jesus fucking Christ.
No. Keep climbing. I'm gonna help you. Come on!
-(GRUNTS) -No! Keep climbing. Keep climbing.
Come on. No, no, no, no. Up, up. Go up.
What is this Avatar shit?
We should go.
Fuck it.
Run!
(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GASPING)
WOMAN: Why isn't it working? MAN: Wait, did you pull the pin?
WOMAN: Oh, shit.
(CLICKS)
-(EXPLOSION) -What was that?
That's another one of us getting blown the fuck up!
-Fuck. -We gotta find shelter. Come on!
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
There's about $200 in the cash register. It's all yours.
Give me a hand here. Come on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop.
-Where are we? -MA: What?
Son, we don't want no trouble. Just take the money.
I don't want your damn money. Where the fuck are we?
Well, Route 31, right outside of Elaine.
Elaine, where? Which state?
Arkansas.
What?
We're in Arkansas?
What... Man, Jesus.
Fucking Arkansas.
-You got a phone? -Please. We have children.
We have grandchildren.
Oh, you have grandchildren? Can I see a picture of them?
I'm just kidding, I don't give a fuck. Give me the phone.
Son, whatever's going on here...
What's going on is we're getting goddamn hunted.
-(LINE TRILLING) -MA: But y'all have guns.
Yeah, to defend ourselves.
-Hello? -MAN: 911. What's your emergency?
Yeah, yeah. There's been a killing spree. You gotta come here right now.
MAN: Can you repeat that, sir?
There's been a murder spree in the woods, a fucking massacre.
It's Manorgate!
MAN OVER PHONE: I'm sorry, sir, I'm having trouble understanding you.
Manorgate. Just fucking Google it!
MAN: I can't Google it right now.
-Listen to me, okay? -We can't do that.
We woke up with these gags in our mouth, and they had these locks on them.
MAN: Sir, I need the address of your emergency.
Do you want my address in Staten Island, New York,
where I went to a bar after work,
and I don't remember anything because they drugged me, they drugged all of us?
Where'd they get you from?
Wyoming.
Orlando.
(SIGHS) Fuck.
All right, listen to me.
They grabbed us from all over, and they brought us here to kill us,
and they're still trying to kill us.
And they're coming down the fucking road,
and they're gonna be here any fucking second.
MAN: Okay. What is your current location, sir?
I, I am at a gas station! Can you please just trace the call?
MAN: Of course. That's a...
That's a great idea. We'll trace you, sir.
-Sit tight. -Okay.
-Help's on the way. -Good.
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
What'd they say, dude?
-They said they're coming. -Thank Christ.
-Hey, let me get one of them. -(MUFFLED) Get your own.
POP: Son, would you mind putting your gun away?
You seem a little worked up
and you don't want it to go off by accident.
It's not gonna go off on accident. I own seven guns.
-MA: Why? -What?
(STUTTERS) Why do you own seven guns?
Stand-your-ground?
Because it's my constitutional right to protect myself
if I should ever happen to be getting fucking shot at,
which is exactly what's happening right now. Is that okay?
So, those people that are shooting at you,
they're just exercising the very same right?
What the fuck are you talking about?
"Will there be sugar after the Rebellion"?
MAN: Is she okay?
Oh, sure, she's fine. How are you?
-(GROANING) -(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
-What the fuck? -(GRUNTING)
-Hey, you okay? -What's wrong?
-(CHOKING) -Hey, get some water, dude!
What's wrong with her? What happened to her?
Oh, damn. No, no, no.
-Fuck. -Come on. Sit up.
Hey, uh, get some water, dude! I think she's dianetic!
Oh, my God.
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
(GRUNTING)
(POP LAUGHING)
MA: Don't make a mess.
What?
I'm not cleaning him up!
(GROANING)
You're going to hell.
I don't believe in hell.
As you so eloquently posted,
I'm a "godless elite."
For the record, asshole,
climate change is real.
POP: Hit the vent, honey.
I'll get a mop.
(MA GRUNTING)
Sorry.
And sorry again.
(CONTINUES GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Ugh.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh.
What?
Nothing.
Oh, come on, honey. Tell me. What's wrong?
He's wearing a wedding ring.
He's a monster.
Honey, he probably uses the "N" word,
and not even in private, he probably uses it on Twitter.
Those people suffered 400 years of bondage
at the hands of that piece of shit's ancestors.
"Those people"?
(SIGHS) Sorry. Black people.
-African Americans. -Honey, it's...
Privilege, Julius.
It's perfectly fine to call them "black" again.
(SCOFFS) According to who?
NPR.
Which consists, almost exclusively, of...
White people.
(SIGHS) We're the fucking worst.
-WOMAN ON RADIO: Hello? Come in. -Oh.
MA: We're coming.
Are you there?
Hey! We're here.
We got three of them. Mollie, Moses, and Mr. Whymper.
Yeah? Great. Liberty got Boxer.
Stuck him full of arrows and then blew him to pieces. It was brutal.
Anyway, Snowball's headed towards you now. She's maybe five minutes out.
You gonna be ready, or do you need us to slow her down?
-We're good. -No need. We're ready.
Great. She's unarmed, so have some fun with it.
Roger that. Over and out.
Honey, that's poison!
You rigged the soda?
No.
There are 43 grams of sugar in that bottle.
Good God, Miranda. You really scared me.
I am not going to apologize for caring.
(CHUCKLES)
All right, then. Let's get some more!
Okay.
MAN ON TV: The climate-change myth suffered another blow today with...
POP: Oh.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
What's going on?
Okay, here she comes.
POP: Hey there. Help you?
Get a pack of lights, please?
Coming right up.
You wanna fill 'er up?
I don't have a car.
Oh. (CHUCKLES) You walked over.
Uh...
Everything okay?
I lost my wallet.
BOTH: Oh.
It's for, um, emergencies.
MA: You want some matches with that?
Yeah. Little sweaty.
(CASH REGISTER BEEPS, DINGS)
What state is this?
Sorry?
You don't understand the question?
Oh, no, I did. Just...
(COINS JINGLING)
Most people know where they are.
(MA AND POP CHUCKLE)
Well, I ain't most people.
You're in the glorious state of Arkansas.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Is there anything else that...
(GRUNTING)
(SHOUTS)
No! No, please! No!
Cigarettes in Arkansas only cost six bucks.
-You fucked up, bitch! -No!
The times I forgot but never forgot
I don't know the books that you read
But you don't say that Love never externalizes
You're rereading a book To feel reassured
By the life of your favorite hero
But don't worry, honey, don't worry
This is just a fairy tale
Happening in the supermarket
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY)
MAN ON RADIO: Hello?
WOMAN: Julius? Miranda!
Are you there?
Richard, are you on?
RICHARD: Yes, uh, affirmative, I'm here.
This is Liberty. I can't find Orwell.
-RICHARD: Which one's Orwell? -Orwell is the pig.
-RICHARD: You named the fucking pig? -Richard, enough.
Did anyone see Snowball go in?
RICHARD: Uh, no, we lost visual at the road.
WOMAN: Why don't you go take a look?
RICHARD: Go to the... Yes, 10-4.
(BUZZING)
RICHARD: I don't see anybody inside.
I guess I should... I guess I should check around the back.
(MACHINE GUNFIRE)
RICHARD: Shit, I lost the...
WOMAN: What happened?
RICHARD: I don't know. I can't see anything. The signal went out.
WOMAN: Turn your radio off.
RICHARD: What?
WOMAN: Turn your fucking radio off, now!
(RADIO BEEPS)
At least one of you is smart.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(GRUNTS)
(WHISTLES)
Don't fucking move!
Can you lower your gun? I'm a friendly.
-How do I know that? -Why don't you pull that door handle?
Then you'll blow the fuck up, and then you'll know.
Oh, shit.
-Thanks. -You should not have shot that drone.
But now they can't see us.
Don't need to. You just told them we're here.
Oh. Where you going?
Saw some tracks earlier. I'm gonna follow them.
Whose tracks?
Hey, whose tracks?
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
Why didn't they just kill you when you came in?
Don't care.
You wanna hear my theory?
Not really.
Did you read that article?
Every year these liberal elites,
you know, the globalist cucks who run the deep state
kidnap a bunch of normal folks like us and hunt us for fucking sport
in, like, this mansion in Vermont or something.
I forwarded that to 50 friends. It's not like I believed it.
You believe it?
That you have 50 friends?
No, the rest of it.
Mmm...
This ain't Vermont.
Yeah.
Where you going now?
Oh.
I'm Gary.
Shut the fuck up, Gary.
Mmm.
(TRAIN APPROACHING)
-How fast are you? -What?
The train will be slowest at the curve. We're not getting on standing still.
Wait!
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING, GRUNTING)
(INHALES DEEPLY)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Thanks.
Welcome.
(CLATTERING)
(EERIE MUSIC PLAYING)
Who's there?
Come the fuck out, or I'll shoot.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Oh, come on.
-What? -They're not real.
Uh-uh. You know what we have here? Crisis actors.
(CONTINUES SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
What are the chances the one train car with the open door is full of illegals?
I mean, will you look at these fucks?
A little obvious, don't you think?
Are you fucks trying to teach us a lesson?
-Oh, no! -(BABY CRYING)
I feel so sorry for immigrants and refugees.
I'm gonna have to rethink my entire position on immigration.
No, Gary, they got a baby.
So? There are crisis babies.
-(BABY CONTINUES CRYING) -(CONTINUES SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Oh, you're good, Mohammed.
But if you don't cut the bullshit in three seconds,
I am gonna blow your fucking dick off.
One...
-Ah! -Two...
-(BRAKES SCREECHING) -(ALL GASP)
(DOGS BARKING)
Gary. Come here, you fuck...
(MEN SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Hey! Hey!
Toss your gun.
-What? -Toss it, or we're fucking dead.
(SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE CONTINUES)
Sir. Sir, excuse me.
I don't know exactly where we are, but I'm an American.
American.
American?
Yeah. Yeah. Her too.
Look, let me explain everything, sir,
because I know exactly what's going on here, okay?
These are not real refugees.
These are crisis actors.
(CHUCKLES) Look, I have a podcast.
I've been exposing these people, okay?
They were placed on the train as a part of Manorgate.
This has all been an elaborate trap to try to ensnare us.
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
I don't think they believe you, Gary.
Did you hear him? Did you hear... Did you hear him!
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Bullshit.
This is... That's... That's bullshit.
You're all fake! You're all fake!
(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
Gary, you have just gotta chill, okay, buddy?
Now, those other refugees, they weren't part of this. They're real.
I know. I have been embedded with them, okay?
And those soldiers, well, they're fucking real too.
That train wasn't supposed to be stopped.
So just calm the fuck down, and we will get through this. All right?
And you know what?
I'll even give you guys a head start before I come after you.
How's that sound? You good?
Come on, buddy.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
-Gary, Gary, don't. -I am not your buddy!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
Sayonara, sugar tits.
No, no, no. Fuck. Shit.
-(CLAMORING) -(WHISTLE BLOWING)
Shit, shit, shit. Shit, shit, shit!
Fuck. Shit, shit, shit.
(CHATTERING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm Dino. And this Bojan.
You have papers?
Where are we?
Where you think?
Well... I was, uh, eating in Mississippi
when I got knocked out
for what was at least 18 hours.
So taking that into account,
along with your accent and a license plate I fucking saw,
I'm guessing I'm probably in...
Bosnia.
(SNICKERS)
Serbia?
Croatia?
I'm in... Croatia, then.
How you get here?
Doesn't matter. You need to call the American Embassy.
-DINO: Show us papers. -I don't have papers.
Can you... Can you call the embassy?
You are hunted?
Who said I was hunted?
Don. Hmm?
You hunted like Don?
Who the fuck is Don?
Bring Don.
(WHISTLES)
Can I have one of those?
No.
Don.
Howdy.
Yeah, hunted like Don.
Yeah. I told you, assholes.
Yeah. I was heading north when the dogs came after me.
Man, I thought I was fucking dead.
You know, that it was those Manorgate assholes.
Man, I was relieved when it was just the fucking Russians, you know.
Little more. Little more, pal.
You know... (STUTTERS) And what was up with that crate?
I mean, why, why did they give us weapons before they started picking us off?
To make it more fair?
(CHUCKLES) And what was up with that pig? I thought they were all vegans.
Well, I cannot wait to blow the lid off this shit.
Because we gonna be on Hannity, you and me,
just like them two Jew boys that fucked Nixon up.
You wanna share what you're thinking, sweetie?
Hmm?
Come on.
You don't care why they're doing this to us?
They're trying to kill me. I don't give a shit why.
(SCOFFS)
(CAR APPROACHING)
(LAUGHS)
Well, if it ain't Uncle Sam's nephew.
(CHUCKLES) We're rescued.
(LAUGHS)
M-I-double S-I-double S-I-double P-I
Right in the middle of the cotton belt
Down in the Mississippi Delta
Wearin' last year's possum belt smack dab...
So, you're telling me that they built an entire gas station out here
just to convince you this was the middle of Arkansas?
What kind of sick individual even comes up with that? It's horrifying.
DON: You fucking said it, junior.
Okay, we're gonna get back to the embassy. I'm gonna contact the State Department.
We're gonna get military support out here. We're gonna find these animals.
Attaboy.
(SIGHS) Why would they do something like that?
DON: Same reason elites do anything...
'Cause they think they're better than us.
Yeah, but...
But why you? I mean, it seems so personal, right?
What?
No, no. I mean, I'm just asking, why pick you of all people?
You must have done something to pop up on their radar somehow,
otherwise why target you so specifically?
We didn't do shit.
Okay.
(LAUGHING) So, what, you think this is our fucking fault?
No. No, that's not what I'm...
-No, I would never blame the victim. -Yeah.
There'd have to be a reason, is all.
Can you think of anything, anything at all, no matter how minor,
that might make somebody wanna try something...
(GRUNTING)
DON: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
What? No. No! Oh, my God!
Stop the car! Stop the car!
No! No!
Oh, my God! Oh!
Are you out of your mind, woman?
No, no, no. Why did you do that?
Oh, no! Why did you do that?
Oh, God. Is he dead?
You, what is wrong with you? What is wrong with you?
You are not right. Oh, my God.
What the...
Oh, fuck!
Why did you do that? Why... He was trying to save us!
He was... Oh.
Jesus.
Nope, just Gary.
How'd you know he was lying?
Because everyone is lying.
DON: Well, maybe...
Maybe you should've waited to kill him until...
Until he told us why they're doing this.
Pretty sure he wanted us to tell him.
DON: Right. There was 11 of us when we first woke up.
There was four down out of the gate.
A guy got grenaded.
You said there were three at the gas station.
And I assume this is the guy you hopped a train with.
Mmm-hmm.
That just leaves you and me.
Yeah.
(STUTTERS) What is that?
It's where Mr. Bullshit was taking us.
(SCOFFS)
This seems a little obvious, like maybe they wanted us to find it.
Depends on whether they're smart pretending to be idiots,
or idiots pretending to be smart.
Well, I say fuck those fuckers, okay?
We got us a car. Let's just fucking go! Okay?
And I'm driving. Give me the key.
No.
No?
No.
My mama used to tell me this story about the jackrabbit and the box turtle.
The jackrabbit is a real dick
'cause he brags all the time.
Says nobody's faster than him.
And, well, it's true.
Because every time he races, the jackrabbit always wins.
The whole fucking forest has to put up with this shit. Day in, day out.
Fucker always wants to race just to rub it in some more.
So the box turtle figures,
"Why not? I'll give it a try."
And the jackrabbit, like, laughs.
Like, "Okay, this'll be fun. So let's, let's fucking go."
-So bang! -(STARTLES)
Jackrabbit leaves the box turtle in his fucking dust.
I mean, he is way out in front.
Of course he is, because jackrabbit always wins.
But he wants to put on a show. He'll make it seem close.
So he stops, and he takes a nap.
He sleeps longer than he wanted to.
By the time he wakes up...
I mean, he knows he's fucked.
Jackrabbit goes full tilt, but it's too late.
The box turtle crosses the finish line first,
and the crowd's like... (WHOOSHES) Goes fucking wild!
Later that night,
box turtle's having dinner with his family.
He's telling his little box turtles how he did it.
"I mean, never give up. I...
"Just keep crawling forwards
"and you can overcome just about anything."
Door smashes in.
(SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING)
It's the jackrabbit.
And he has a hammer.
Smashes up the wife and kids first so the box turtle has to watch 'em die.
And then it's his turn.
Once the whole family's broken into little pieces,
(CHUCKLES) he sits down and eats their dinner.
Every last bite.
Because the jackrabbit always wins.
Your mama told you that story?
Uh, so... So, wait.
So... Who's the rabbit? I mean, is it us or them?
(PIG SQUEALING)
You see a pig with a shirt on, right?
DON: Yep.
A little pig.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
Where the hell is Oliver? He left to get them hours ago.
I'm sure he's fine, Ted.
Oh, wow. Ava DuVernay just liked one of my posts.
You're friends with Ava too?
No. Uh, maybe.
We met at a Time 100 dinner.
This is the photo that she liked. It's from when I was in Haiti.
(LAUGHING) Wait a second. Wait. You were in Haiti?
Remind us, what were you doing there again?
-You were curing AIDS in a favela. -AIDS.
-Don't joke about AIDS. -No, no, no. I'm not joking.
AIDS is very, very serious,
and thank God Martin is single-handedly taking it on.
Okay. First of all, there are no favelas in Haiti. That's Brazil.
Well, I just... I heard that you got a girl pregnant down there.
Ooh.
-I fell in love. -Hope she was pro-choice.
Don't joke about choice, man, please.
What matters is that Haiti is in the midst of a decades-long humanitarian crisis,
-and it needs all the help it can get. -Thank you.
-Does it need Martin's semen? -Okay.
Enough, Richard.
Guys, we're all on the same team.
Did you say "guys"?
I'm sorry. I gendered it.
-Where are they? -Just call Oliver on the radio.
I mean, they think he's part of the embassy, so...
-(CLATTERING) -Oh, shit.
Uh, Sergeant Dale, little help?
-Please, let's keep the voices down. -Why? They're in a car.
You hired me to consult you. I'm consulting you.
What was the name of that movie you did again?
Tears of the Sun.
That's... I mean, that's actually what they called it? Tears of the Sun?
Why is the sun crying?
(LAUGHING)
It came out? I mean, like, in theaters and stuff?
-Bruce Willis was in it. -What!
-I love Bruce. -He's cool.
-WOMAN ON RADIO: Stop fucking talking! -Sorry, Athena.
Well, I'm gonna go take a piss.
Who has the hand sanitizer?
-Oh, Christ, Richard. Just rough it. -Go fuck yourself, Liberty.
Hey, watch out for the trip wires.
I know.
(SIGHING)
Fucking "rough it."
As if you ever roughed a thing in your fucking life.
(URINATING)
Hey. Is this your pig?
(CHOKES)
(THUDS)
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLATTERING)
(FOOTSTEPS)
(CLATTERING CONTINUES)
Everybody up. Like we practiced.
-(GUN SNAPS) -Ah! Motherfucker!
Leave the rifles! Sidearms, now. Come on. Come on.
Shit.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Richard?
-Shh. -Don't shush me.
(WHISPERING) Richard.
(BANGING)
Easy. They'll hit the trips.
(CREAKING)
Shit.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GUNS COCKING)
(SQUEALING)
Stop! Stop!
Orwell!
(WHIMPERS) What the fuck! He was an innocent.
How the hell did that get in here?
-You almost fucking shot me. -Well, I didn't, did I? Because...
Hey, bitch.
(ADVENTUROUS MUSIC PLAYING)
Argh!
(GRUNTING)
Argh.
No. Snowball! No, no, no. I didn't...
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(GUNSHOT)
(GRUNTING)
No, no, no.
(GRUNTS)
You hick.
God damn.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey. It's me.
Thank you for all the help.
Fuck you. I dropped the pig.
Come on. Give me a gun.
Do you think you could find one?
(EXHALES)
Don, is there anything you would like to ask her?
What?
You got mad that I killed the fucker in the car
before you could ask him anything.
And I thought, you know, now's your chance.
Why are you doing this to us?
Because Jesus told me to.
Well, there's your answer.
Whoa! Hey. Hey. Come on. You can't just...
She's a woman.
(SCOFFS)
Hey, miss...
Do you think you should be afforded mercy just 'cause you're a girl?
No.
What the fuck is wrong with you!
-(RADIO BEEPS) -WOMAN ON RADIO: Don?
-(CRACKLING) -Don. Did you get her?
Don!
Don.
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Hey. Hey.
WOMAN: What's going on?
You one of them?
What? No!
You drop the gun and answer her.
I'm not dropping my gun.
WOMAN: Don, what's going on?
Answer her.
Who is this?
You don't have to pretend anymore. She's figured it out.
I don't know who the fuck that is.
-Shoot her! -Drop the gun.
Fucking shoot her, Don!
They're playing you. They're fucking with you.
I'm on your side here!
Just drop the gun.
(THUDS)
WOMAN: Don.
Is she hurt?
Don's dead
because of me.
WOMAN: Then I guess you'd better come and get me.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
I heard them call you a consultant.
You trained these fuckers?
Yeah.
How much did they pay you?
Nothing.
I owed her a favor.
And where is she?
Why? You won.
Just go home.
Because I am, like...
Hmm...
And, uh...
I work at a car rental company.
And there is nowhere to put that.
So maybe today...
I can, like...
Hmm...
So, where the fuck is she?
(SCREAMS)
Okay! Okay.
-Sorry. Sorry. -(CONTINUES GROANING)
-Okay, okay, okay! Okay. -Sorry.
-Three klicks northwest. -(MUMBLES) Northwest.
-There's a gravel road to the Manor. -(MUMBLES) Road to the Manor.
You have no idea what you're up against.
She's...
She's been training for eight months.
She's gonna rip you into pieces.
We'll see.
You...
You were in the service?
Uh... Yes.
Afghanistan. (SNIFFLES)
-Were you? -National Guard.
Mmm.
So, you were never in the shit.
I'm, I'm in it now.
That's a nice way of looking at it.
Hey.
Thank you for your service.
(GUNSHOT)
(ELEVATOR DINGS, DOORS OPEN)
Hello, Paul.
Hey, Athena. Hi.
What are you doing in my office?
Take a seat.
ATHENA: Hello, Nicole.
Athena.
Have a seat.
ATHENA: Hmm.
-Hi. -ATHENA: Hi.
So, you're aware Martin's account got hacked last week, right?
ATHENA: I'm the CEO, Paul. I hear everything.
And Martin's one of my closest friends.
So, you know how embarrassing it was for him.
All the extramarital communiques.
I call it sending his wife's oncologist pictures of his cock.
I mean, there are more than just the cock pics.
There were texts and e-mails,
and he said some extraordinarily critical things about the president.
ATHENA: (CHUCKLES) Oh, well, last I heard, free speech still exists.
Don't do that. Don't, don't First Amendment me, please.
It's not a country, it's a business.
A business, and there are optics.
ATHENA: You fired Martin.
No, he realized he had to take one for the team.
-ATHENA: The team. -Yeah, the team.
We have a team, our team.
ATHENA: What's in the file, Nicole?
(COUGHS) Just a sec. Um...
Do you recall a text thread you had
with Martin, Peter, Richard, and Liberty, amongst others,
December 17th at 10:00 in the morning?
ATHENA: I don't recall a text thread I had last fucking Tuesday, Paul.
Go... Go ahead, Nicole.
Martin, "Did anyone see what our ratfucker-in-chief just did?"
Liberty, "Yes. Day equals ruined."
Peter, "Infuriating."
Athena, "At least the hunt's coming up.
"Nothing better than going out to the Manor
"and slaughtering a dozen deplorables."
Miranda, "We promised not to talk about The Manor on text."
Ted, "Viva El Manor."
Liberty, "Deleting this thread."
ATHENA: Oh, I get it.
PAUL: Are you aware there's an active group of people out there
who believe this is a real thing?
ATHENA: Believe what's a real thing?
That you're hunting human beings for sport.
(LAUGHING)
PAUL: Yeah? Not funny.
Wh... Wh... What?
PAUL: Yeah. Conspiracy websites are all over it.
They're going bananas. They're going berserk.
Reddit. I mean, I don't know the names of them all.
But anyway, somebody pulled a property-tax record
for the manor that you bought in Vermont.
Manor? No, I don't own a fucking manor in Vermont.
It's a three-bedroom house.
PAUL: Jesus, I can't believe you used that word.
Manor?
-No. -"Deplorables."
It's... Charged.
Oh, well, I initially typed "fucking rednecks,"
but then I decided that wasn't specific...
Hey, come on.
What? What would you prefer I call them, Paul?
"Gun-clutching homophobes"?
PAUL: Hey, hey, stop, please.
-"Academically challenged racists"? -Hey. Hey.
ATHENA: What about "tooth-deprived bigots"?
We have our best team at reputation management
flooding... Flooding the search engines
in the hopes this thing doesn't go mainstream.
But even if by some miracle it doesn't, and I really don't see that happening,
Martin did what he had to.
Richard did what he had to. He's out at BlueWest.
Julius and Miranda had to step down from their foundation.
Liberty exited her fund.
I'm sorry.
You gotta go.
Paul.
It was just a joke.
One joke.
-PAUL: Wasn't funny. -It wasn't real.
I mean, I wish this didn't happen.
I really do, but this
idea is out there,
and these people believe it, and they're not going away.
What people?
PAUL: Sorry?
What people believe I'm hunting human beings at my manor?
What fucking people!
Okay. This is gary4USA. He's got a podcast called The Confederate Files.
He's a P-score 8.5.
What... What does that "P" stand for again?
"Piece of shit." I vote in.
-ALL: In. -Yeah, in.
In? Another in. Okay.
MIRANDA: Oh. JULIUS: Oh, gross.
BigGameShane.
Trigger warning. I'm sorry. I think the pic speaks for itself.
-In. -He's an 8.8.
-In. -Guys, we can't include everybody, okay?
Thousands of people posted about Manorgate, so...
Christ. It's a "gate" now?
Well, they ruined water and pizza. Why not manors?
Listen, I wanna slaughter all of them just like everybody else here, okay?
But our military consultant says we gotta cap it out at 12.
-Why? -It's our first time.
-Safety reasons, okay? -Heavens.
God forbid somebody gets hurt.
Is that a kimono? That's appropriation, Richard.
-Hey, where are Liberty and Ted? -JULIUS: In therapy.
-Jesus. Again? -They lost everything, Richard.
They... They lost their jobs and their reputations.
RICHARD: So did I, Miranda.
But I'm dealing with it with, you know,
drugs and alcohol like a normal person.
Excuse me, did anyone else here get reassigned to Croatia? No? Because I did.
That was a blessing in disguise.
We're gonna build that gas station for pennies...
Next slide.
ALL: Whoa!
-Jesus, Oliver! I don't think... -Listen, listen, listen.
If we don't have at least one person of color in this,
it is going to be problematic.
Um, I'm playing an Arab refugee. I'm from Connecticut.
-Isn't that a little problematic? -JULIUS: That was your idea.
It was your idea. It was weird when you said it.
Because we need to lean in to the stereotype
-to let them just expose their biases. -Correct.
Yeah, or we can just shoot 'em as soon as they grab their guns.
OLIVER: They're not gonna know why we're killing them.
-(ARGUING) -Next slide.
(SIGHS)
Okay. Justice4Yall. She's a 6.5.
This is what she says,
"Fuck this bitch.
"Athena Stone murders innocent men and women..."
I don't need to hear more.
That's our Snowball.
ATHENA ON RADIO: Put your gun in the mailbox.
Why the fuck would I do that?
There's a shaped C-4 charge underneath the gate.
I could blow you up right now.
But where's the fun in that?
No guns.
Put it in the mailbox, now.
(TENSE MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(DOG WHIMPERS)
(EXHALES)
ATHENA: It's amazing to me.
People go their entire lives without realizing the most simple, obvious truth.
The only way to properly slice tomatoes
is with a bread knife.
Did you kill Don?
Uh-huh.
Because I convinced you he was one of us.
Was he?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
Who am I?
-Huh? -Who am I?
Lady, I don't know who you are. I just know that you're crazy.
I am crazy. But I know I'm crazy.
And if you know you're crazy, then you're not crazy.
So that just makes me really, really mad.
Okay.
So, who am I?
Crystal May Creasey.
Born in Mississippi, Whites Crossing.
Fitting.
Dropped out of school at 12,
right around the time your daddy was killed by the police
when they raided the methamphetamine lab.
Your mother joined him soon after that. Overdose.
Probably the last batch of Daddy's stuff.
Romantic.
You know...
Most people think that you should use cheddar in a grilled cheese.
But I use Gruyère.
Nothing else has that kind of melt.
After your mom died,
you bounced from part-time job to part-time job to welfare and back.
More times than I could count, honestly.
The only consistency was your inability to stay employed.
(CHUCKLES) Which is fine.
I mean, this country belongs to the uneducated and ignorant
as much as it belongs to me.
You fail, we pay.
Eventually a cow falls on your head,
or you blow your brains out in a parking lot
because you finally realize what a waste your life truly was.
But not you, Crystal.
You decided to go on the Internet and run your stupid mouth.
Thirteen months ago, you posted this on a message board
under the screen name Justice4Yall.
I wanna make sure I get it exactly right.
"Fuck this bitch.
"Athena Stone murders innocent men and women for sport.
"The evidence is all there."
T-H-E-I-R.
"Her manor, her travel records,
"oh, and in case you were still on the fence,
"she fucking admitted to it in a text message."
"Admitted" was all caps.
-Huh. -Huh?
That's all you have to say for yourself?
Everybody you kidnapped and killed,
that's 'cause they busted you and your friends
and put it on the Internet?
No one busted us. We were joking.
But you ignorami took it literally.
You actually believed we were hunting human beings for sport.
But you are.
-What? -Hunting human beings for sport.
-No. -Oh, yeah.
It wasn't true.
(STAMMERS)
This is your manor, isn't it?
It's not a fucking manor!
It's a house I rented in Croatia and had decorated.
Okay, right, but it's yours, and you're hunting people, so it's...
I mean, it's true.
Now. Now it's true because you made it true.
You people, you take anything you want and you twist it around
until it fits into your backwards fucking worldview.
You wanted it to be true, so you decided it was.
This was your idea.
Well...
Not my idea.
Ooh, I did not wanna mess up your big grilled-cheese speech, but...
Oh, you done fucked up, lady.
See, you got the wrong Crystal.
There's another Crystal Mae Creasey back home.
But she spells "May" with an "E."
Hey, I get her mail sometimes.
And my dad's an asshole,
but I don't think he ever did drugs.
And my mom...
She's alive too.
Can we call her? Let's call her right now.
-Give me the phone. I'll call her up. -No way. Do I look fucking stupid?
Fine. I'll give you her number and you can call.
-That's not gonna happen. -Yeah.
Oh, you don't really care about the truth, do you?
Of course I do. The only difference is I'm right.
Hey, maybe.
Maybe not.
Now, do I have to keep listening to Beethoven,
or can we fucking get on with it?
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(BEETHOVEN PLAYING)
That was good.
(CONTINUE GRUNTING)
Mmm.
-(CRASHING) -(MUSIC STOPS)
ATHENA: No!
(EPIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(LAUGHS)
Hey, Crystal.
CRYSTAL: Fuck!
You need a gun now, bitch?
That's fucking cheating!
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMING)
Fuck you!
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
One second.
(GRUNTING)
No more glass.
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SHOUTS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(SHOUTS)
I got you.
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTS AND SCREAMS)
(BOTH GRUNT)
Ah.
Hey.
I got you too.
Hey, can I ask you a question?
Why did you call me Snowball?
It's a reference to George Orwell's Animal Farm.
He's a pig.
Yeah.
But why am I Snowball?
Snowball is an idealist.
He wants to make the world a better place.
That's why the other pigs make up lies about him,
turn him into the enemy.
I think you should be Snowball.
You read Animal Farm?
Yes, ma'am, I did.
Can I
ask you a question?
Are you Justice4Yall?
I mean, come on.
We're both dead.
So just tell me.
I got the right Crystal, didn't I?
No, ma'am, you did not.
(SIGHS) Whoops.
(GIRLS IT AIN'T EASY PLAYING)
Oh.
It ain't easy, girls, it ain't easy
To keep the man you love satisfied
It ain't easy, girls, it ain't easy
To keep the one you love by your side
A woman's work is never done
Even if it stops, it goes on and on
(MUFFLED SCREAM)
We work our fingers to the bone
Gotta be home every time he'd phone
Sometimes the goin' gets a little tough
It seems our best ain't good enough
Keeps you losin' sleep seven days a week, yeah
It ain't easy, girls, it ain't easy
To keep the one you love by your side
Do all you can and though he seems ungrateful
-CRYSTAL: Hey there. -Oh, shit.
The, uh,
assholes you work for tried to kill me.
So I killed them instead.
Now I wanna go home.
That gonna be a problem?
-Certainly not, ma'am. -No.
May I... May I pour that for you?
Yeah.
(AIRCRAFT DOOR CLOSING)
(BOTTLE UNCORKS)
How about a snack?
We have fantastic caviar. It's osetra.
Yeah.
You got it.
(SIGHS)
You ever had caviar?
No. I... I don't think I'm really allowed to.
Well, you are now. Have a seat.
-Dig in. -(BOTH CHUCKLE)
How... How is it?
It's fucking great.
(CLOSING THEME MUSIC PLAYING)